More often than not, when I tell another mom I write a sex column for moms the first thing they say is: “Sex — what’s that?” or “Ours would have to be the ‘No Sex’ column.” The second thing they usually say, especially if they’ve read a few of the columns, is, “Wow — do you really let your husband read these?” or “What does your husband think of your column?”
As a matter of fact, I do let him read my columns, although he often opts out, especially if he notices I’m wearing a particularly nasty grin as I type away on the laptop. As for what he thinks of the column; well, let’s ask him!
The Naughty Mommy: Hi, Love. Hey, before we get started, did you ever take the garbage out?
My Man: Um. Uh. Yes I did. But I admit that I saw a dead rat out there in the alley by the garbage can and I just left it there.
TNM: Wow. YOU are charming. OK, down to business. So what do you think of my columns — do you even read them?
MM: I absolutely read some of them. In fact, early on I read them all, but now I don’t because I want you to be free to write whatever you want without worrying about my feelings. But how do I feel? I’m incredibly proud. I tell all my friends and workmates about it, you know, and then I realize that they’ll know how long it takes me to climax.
TNM: Good answer. Are you hitting on me?
MM: I’m proud of your writing, and I’m not saying that just to get some action, but I wouldn’t turn it down either.
TNM: How does it feel when you show up as the Hero/Villain in my column?
MM: It’s weird having your private life in print. I don’t mind strangers reading it, but my daughter’s preschool teacher, my auntie? About being seen as a hero or a villain, I really couldn’t care less. Some reader sent an email seriously suggesting I get some counseling, which I got a big kick out of. And the fact is the trade-off is good. I’ve had more sex than ever since you started writing the column.
TNM: What should all the tired/frustrated/not-so-naughty-anymore naughty mommies out there know about their husbands?
MM: That nothing makes us feel less naughty than the thought we have to do a chore to get you to consent to have sex with us.
TNM: But how else can I get you to clean the bathroom?
MM: It’s not that you don’t have a right to be unhappy if one of us is doing more chores than the other, but back to the sex part, it’s just like, “Jeez, don’t YOU ever want to do it?”
TNM: For the record, Darling, sometimes I do. Just the other day I was watching an old Blues Clues rerun and I started fantasizing about me and that Steve getting it on. I think he must be a sexual dynamo underneath all those stripes. What about you? Any strange attractions? Who’s on top of your MILF (Moms I’d Like to Fuck) list?
MM: Well, it’s very confusing for me, because when we watch the O.C. (Thursday nights, 8:00pm, FOX)I’m attracted to Kirsten, the hot mom character, but at the same time I’m dying to get with Summer, the hot teenager. So . . . what does that say? I’m closer in age to the mom, so I should be attracted to her, but the age I was when I was last allowed to look at women was the teenager, so . . . . Then of course, nothing feels wrong about me and Julie Cooper. She’s saucy!
TNM: I LOVE that you watch the O.C. with me. Even though it’s pretty pathetic as far as hot dates go, it works for me. Speaking of fantasy, what’s your favorite post-baby fantasy? What was your favorite pre-baby one?
MM: Pre-baby: doing you from behind while a lovely stripper fondled your nipples. Post-baby: me fondling your nipples.
TNM: You love the nipples. How was that for you when I was nursing?
MM: Well, I can’t really complain. I have painfully sensitive nipples myself. I have to wear undershirts out of necessity. So I guess I should have some empathy. But dammit! Those used to be mine. Now it’s like a de-militarized zone there.
TNM: So then what’s your favorite part of my body, post-baby, if the boobies are still touch and go?
MM: My favorite part, then and now, has always been the outside of your thigh one inch up from the knee.
TNM: What’s one way you know FOR SURE you will get some action?
MM: If I cry.
TNM: You are SO right! I love it when you cry. It’s sexy.
MM: Yeah. Sure. But I can’t just pimp out my emotions like that.
TNM: Oh, but you should. Hey, what do you miss most about our sex life post-kid?
MM: Those furious, fast-as-we-can fucks in an alley after closing time. They only lasted two minutes and our clothes never came off, but the threat of being caught made it all so hot. Which sounds a lot like our current sex life, except the alley and the hot part.
TNM: So, my love, are we really spillproof?
MM: I’ve always felt, for as long as I can remember . . . hmm . . . that we were built to last. That we had one of those special loves. It doesn’t mean that I can’t be an asshole, or that you’re not psycho, but by the end of the night we’re going to go to bed saying I love you.
TNM: Well, keep talking like that and we’ll be going to bed saying something else altogether, you naughty boy. That’s even better than you crying. Now fetch me some wine.