How to disappoint your mother

To disappoint your mother, run with scissors
and amount to absolutely nothing.

Or go to college and land a job, not a man.

Pierce your nose.

Hire a nanny.

Sleep ’til noon.

To disappoint your mother, swear off baking.

Never make your bed, save leftovers or
go to church. To disappoint your mother,
stay in your pajamas all day and eat cold pizza
directly from the box in the fridge.

Decide to travel the world instead of having children.

Screen calls.

Drink too much champagne
at Cousin Eddie’s wedding.

Say, “Fuck!”

To disappoint your mother, don’t send
thank you notes, listen to country music
or balance your checkbook.

To disappoint your mother,
become a famous novelist who kills off
the mother character in each of her books.

Feel no guilt about not coming home
for Christmas.