Heidi Reimer is the author of this month’s essay, Prophecy. She writes about her unusual journey into motherhood, and lays bare her inner conflict around what it means to become a mother:
I feel relief, hope, permission in the acknowledgment of another way to be a mother. I begin to see that my anxiety stems not from motherhood itself but from the baggage I carry around it. The gospel of motherhood as woman’s holy duty, the fear of losing my dreams and independence: is this the truth about motherhood, or is it only one construction? I begin to hope, as early-pregnancy fatigue slays me, that the martyr mother I’ve dreaded becoming is not the mother I have to be. I begin to hope, as I feed and clothe and play with Maia, that I might find my own model of what a mother can be. That it will not mean giving up myself, and might mean discovering deeper parts of myself.
Have you ever struggled with a sense of ambivalence during your journey towards motherhood? How have you reconciled your own inner conflict around what motherhood means for you, or are you yet to get there?