How to Bake Without Eggs

There’s no perfect alternative.
Let’s face it: eggs are amazing. One large egg contains roughly 13 essential vitamins, six grams of protein, and all the essential amino acids your body needs, all for the low price of 70 calories. In your refrigerator, they last about five weeks. In your healthy ovaries? Up to five decades. These mineral-packed marvels serve a variety of critical functions. Mixed with the right ingredients, at the right temperature, eggs can form a frittata or fluff into a soufflé. Add the right time of month and a generous pour of sauvignon blanc: eggs can perpetuate a species. What are your options then, when eggs are off the table? Whether you’re going vegan or a silent malignancy’s stolen your ovaries, this guide is for you. Trial and error are key to getting the right results. As your eggless baking successes and birth control savings accrue, you’ll figure it out. No eggs? No problem!

Holding it together
First and foremost, eggs are your MVP for binding. Gluten helps, as does the exchange of vows before your 200 nearest and dearest, but neither of these binds like an egg. Whisking, kneading, and sharing a tissue at the oncologist’s office all help to transform your ingredients into a tasty whole greater than the sum of its parts. But it’s the setting of the egg that ultimately holds the ingredients together till death do us part, providing structure, strength, and stability to meatloaves, baked goods, and young couples nearing their honeymoon period’s expiration date. The best binding agents—when eggs are out—are fruit pastes, like applesauce or mashed banana. If your batter’s got a lot going on, or your marriage suggests a crumbly mess is imminent, consider leveling up to a commercial egg-replacer, or couple’s therapy. Not all binders are created equal. To avoid a bitter aftertaste, do your research. 

Revitalizing the honeypot
Too often, eggless bakers, and those trying to maintain some semblance of sexual function in the throes of surgically-induced menopause, fail to appreciate the vital role eggs play in providing moisture to so many of our kitchen and bedroom exploits. The unfortunate result? A dense, brittle product. Fruit purées will add some degree of moisture to your concoctions. But if your baked goods tend to come out too dry or not come at all, try supplementing with an extra wet ingredient, like milk, or vaginal lubricant. Your care team may prescribe estrogen to reinvigorate especially dehydrated tissue. Supplements are available in cream, patch, and suppository forms. 

Strengthening your union
Eggs are an efficient and effective emulsifier. Oil and water don’t mix—that is, unless you add an egg! The smooth amalgamation of discordant hopes, the merging of household finances for as long as you both shall live, and sauces like béarnaise and hollandaise, are all products of successful emulsification. The good news is that egg emulsifiers are perhaps the easiest to replace. Flaxseeds soaked in water can stabilize emulsion droplets, and are typically found at your local natural grocer. However, depending on the fat content of your ingredients, the weight of your trauma, your spouse’s capacity to cope, and access to consistent support during a protracted period of grief, separation may be inevitable. 

Lighten up! 
Everyone admires an impressive dome topping their blueberry muffin, its delicate crumb. That light, airy quality we crave in a Funfetti cupcake—or a twentysomething woman, primed for reproduction—can be elusive without eggs. Divorce can be heavy. Your sister’s baby shower, an exercise in deflation. To add some lift, a teaspoon of baking soda mixed with a tablespoon of vinegar can replace one egg in most recipes. Other substitutes include a quarter-cup of sparkling water, or a bottle of sparkling rosé, which pairs nicely with reminders from your grandmother that it could be worse. She’s not sure her ovaries did her any favors.

Getting unstuck
In addition to supplying mouthfeel and depth of flavor to many recipes, eggs also help prevent crystallization in frosting, ice cream, and the sugary life you didn’t even know you’d wanted enough to miss. These egg properties are the hardest to replace. Some bakers suggest adding yogurt, or doing yoga, to improve the texture and richness of Plan B, which you hadn’t planned. You might need to get creative. Write some experimental essays. Get a dog. Join a support group for women. Are you a woman? 

Transcending the murk
The final egg function is clarification: the process that unclouds a liquid like consommé or wine. Egg whites are mixed into these fluids to capture sediment, which, when heated, separates from the clarified fluid and can be poured off. While nothing works quite like an egg, experts recommend filtration as an alternative approach. Clear out the muck so you can actually see. Focus on breath. Prioritize essentials. Eliminate extras. Savor the fresh start. Walk your new dog. As you discard the toxins that have obscured your worth, time will clarify: eggs aren’t everything. You’ve survived. Mothering yourself is enough.